This year, the English Department’s annual marathon reading comes with a twist. We’re partnering with Medieval & Renaissance Studies to bring you the BEOWULF-A-THON, a mini-marathon of Anglo-Saxon amusement, this Wednesday (January 27th) from 3:00-(??) in the Library Athenaeum.
To jog your memory of Beowulf, Nora Katz (’16) gives us its Literary Starbucks version:
Beowulf goes up to the counter.
“Hear ye,” he cries, with fervent tongue,
“I have come to vanquish this beast in your midst,
for I am the greatest warrior in this vicinity,
and I must prove to you my masculinity
lest you get any ideas about me being
unable to vanquish other beasts
should this ever come up again.”
The barista asks for his order.
“Give me whatever’s the manliest,” he shouts,
and hearing him the other customers fall silent.
“Can you please leave?” the manager calls out,
but Beowulf ignores him entirely.
“I am the strongest out of all of you.
I have several tattoos that I got
when I was studying abroad in Norway.
Want to see them?”
The barista says no, so Beowulf takes off his tunic.
“Do you see my glistening biceps?
Do you see them? I can take down any monster,
even if it’s the scariest one anyone’s ever seen.”
Hearing this, the barista opens the back door
and a small chihuahua runs into the shop.
Beowulf screams and sprints out the door and onto the street.
“Did you guys see how I avoided using violence just then,
when that enormous bloodhound was threatening my life and the lives of others?
Really, when you think about it,
pacifism is the manliest thing of all.”